Frosty the Snowman exposed

With the recent deluge of Christmas music on the radio, it was only a matter of time before I heard that childhood classic, "Frosty the Snowman." As its dulcet tones caressed my ears, however, I suddenly realized that this seasonal classic's chipper melody masks an insidious agenda. Let's consider the opening refrain:

"Frosty the Snowman / Was a jolly happy soul / With a corncob pipe and a button nose / And two eyes made out of coal."

The dangers of smoking are well-known, as is the heightened suggestibility of children and adolescents with respect to starting to smoke. Yet one of the most iconic figures of the holiday season swaggers around smoking a pipe! Not only that, but he is jolly and happy while doing it, not showing an ounce of regret for the damage he is doing to his body or the danger his second-hand smoke poses to others. Forget the Marlboro Man; the tobacco industry's most popular and effective spokesman wears "An old silk hat."

It gets worse. There are a lot of objects that would make excellent eyes--carrots, raisins, two extra buttons--but the coal industry has somehow gotten its smog-stained hands on our holiday anthems. It is subliminally programming children to believe that fossil fuels are toys instead of environment-destroying death crystals. And don't believe for a minute that the use of coal was simply an aesthetic decision: Solar panels are the same color.

As the song progresses, the reality of Frosty's manipulative mission hits home: "He led them down the streets of town / Right to the traffic cop / And he only paused a moment when / He heard him holler stop!"

By deliberately ignoring this police officer, Frosty is teaching the next generation to brazenly flout authority. This subversive attitude, reinforced with a healthy dose of nicotine and greenhouse gas, is rotting the moral compass of children everywhere.

The snowman must be stopped.